Not so Easy

I am battling with my heart! Here's the shortened story. . . 

A few years back my oldest cousin Katie was diagnosed with a kidney disease. And she's been dealing with this ever since. Now when I first heard of this news, it brought tears to my eyes. How horrible for Katie, Jason, and Cheyanne! I felt so sad for them! And the big question for the family was, where to go from that point? Questions got answered, but obviously not the best news was given. Early on, the word transplant came up, but might not be necessary if Katie could make some lifestyle changes. She did very much try and was unsuccessful.

Within the last year, Katie was given the news that she will need a kidney transplant to become healthy again! When this was first mentioned I considered donating! I really hadn't put much thought into it but when I brought it up with Gio, he was not in favor. The subject was dropped, nothing more was said about it, unless we got updates from my family. 

Last night I was talking with my mom, and the donating subject was brought up. Katie and I share type O blood! One of the first things tested is to see if blood types match. So my mom talked with me about it a little more, and that I might want to consider looking into testing. You ask, what about her mom or husband. . .neither can donate, my aunt, her mom is a borderline diabetic, and her husband and she don't share the same blood type, so they are out of the question. I told my mom how I'd love to help, how I even tossed the idea up the first time we all heard about this. I told her that I felt that donating is not an easy thing for me to just say YES to. I want to talk with a doctor about it. I need to talk with Gio about it. And what if I did donate and then the only kidney I had failed, what would happen to me then? What if the surgery was unsucessful? I have so many questions, it's just not an easy decision. But I told my mom I would at least give blood, but I would need to look into this donation a bit more. 

I'm torn, I want to help, I really do! I think about what if donation is not for me at this time, but then if it becomes to late how guilty I would feeling knowing I could have at least looked into it more, that I might have been able to help and was to selfish not to! I don't want to see my cousin in pain, I want to see her live a long healthy life. I want her to see her only child grow old. I want to see her grow old! But I also want to do what's best for me! I just can't find the confidence to say YES. When I think about how hard her life has become, how her daughter and husband could be without her it breaks my heart. 

So today at work, I asked the doctor I work for if she had any insight on how this transplant deal works or if she knew of someone I could at least get some of my questions answered. She gave me a name, and I'd like the plan to be for Gio and I to go and talk with the Nephrologist. Seeing how I am unsure of what to do, I don't think I will talk with Katie about this until I know in my heart what's best for me, and what's best for Gio and I as a couple.

 I guess this is the first step, to get questions answered, to help try and build up my confidence. To listen to my heart!